Scars
by OceanSoulChild
Summary: He began to lift my sleeve up "Bella?" He whispered into the darkness of my room, he knew i wasn't asleep anymore. "Edward ..." I pleaded, almost silently. "Who did this?" He sounded horrified. "...Me"
1. Prologue

Right I know that there are a few stories a bit like this already on this website but I wanted to do my own twist on this. I'm not completely sure where I'll take this story but worst comes to worst I'll just take a break from it =)

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Prologue

They hadn't found out yet – no one had. It was slightly surprising considering what they were. No matter it would all be fine as long as it remained a secret, I could keep some sense of normalcy that way. As long as he doesn't find out it'll be fine, he feels guilty enough for leaving I don't want him feeling guilty about this as well ... I can't hurt him anymore since he's hurting himself so much ... at least his pain is only emotional .. I'd hate for him to suffer physical pain.

It's slightly surprising how it doesn't hurt that much anymore... maybe the numb is taking over? That's stupid since there's no reason for it to be there... Edward could help ... But no – I never want him to see what I've done – it'll just show how even more imperfect I am compared to him – no ill never let him see the old, new and healing ones ... I never want him to see the scars on my soul, and the self inflicted ones on my body.


	2. AN

Sorry guys!!

I just forgot to put this on the last chapter at the end, but good news is that chapter one which is called rose tinted glasses will be uploaded in no more than two days hopefully sooner but i have another story and a lot of revision which is piling up.

Anyway this is already on my profile and will be until this story is finished so quick read ....

Anyways its kinda obvious that this is about self harm - I understand that it could be a sore subject for some people and the thoughts that get written in this story are based on from my own experiences and unfortunately from my friends aswell. That being said I'm still hoping for reviews, I honestly don't mind people voicing their thoughts or opinions in this story but just to be aware that some people might get hurt from the harsher comments. Anyways i hope you guys still enjoy the story and it wont be all dreary and depressing i promise, i am making sure there is lots of fluff and there will be a cute happy ending eventually - I'm also trying to write it so it brings more reality into it and who knows maybe give some people insight which would be a good achievement.

And it's unlikely because this isn't a very talked about subject but if anyone has a more ..personal? i suppose- comment then don't hesitate to P.M me and i will respond back.

Right thats all !! Also my other story is like another twist on the ending of new moon kinda beginning of Eclipse i guess but yeah read if you like – very different from this story but hey always good to try new things =)

Peace out dudes!! X x x


	3. Rose Tinted Glasses

** First thing WOW, I cannot even say how amazed I am by the responses I got from this story in such a short amount of time and I just have to say thank you so much to everyone who took the time to either review or favourite or do a story alert, seriously means a lot that quite a lot of people have liked this story so far. So since you guys took time to read I'll give my time to writing the next chapter in Scars hope you like =).

**Chapter 1 – Rose tinted glasses.**

A month.

Doesn't seem like a large amount of time compared to an average lifespan, but the weight of life and all of the negativity that surrounds everyone daily makes it seem that much longer.

That weight shouldn't even be there, I realised slightly coming out of my stupor.

Everything should be light and warm and happy, I didn't have my personal sun around much anymore, but I had my moon. In reality a smaller part of the galaxy, but still meaning so much. The night held a special place to me now, all of the stolen kisses and sweet whispers into my dark room that I shared again with Edward_. Edward_ ... Sometimes I find it strange how I can love – period – after so much that has happened. Looking around the bathroom floor that I had collapsed on a little while ago I realised just how much has happened, how much has changed. I wondered vaguely how much damage I had done this time, how deep, how much was lost ... how long it would take to clean up this time... I managed to find some weak humour in that last thought.

I couldn't help but think luck was slightly on my side, Edward was away hunting - so as long as I cleaned up well, he wouldn't detect any trace of the blood when he returned in a few days, and even if he did he would probably just blame it on my clumsiness. And Charlie was down at Billy Blacks until tomorrow evening ... some type of sports games marathon.

I looked around the bathroom again ... all my rational sense now returning and my autopilot system switching on ... it was like this every time. I got moving then, grabbing as many paper towels as I could I pressed hard on the new slices across my wrists waiting a few minutes for the blood to stop flowing so quickly then went through the cleaning process, the sting of the alcohol barely registering from having done it far too many times. I wrapped a plastic back pad over each new slit and covered that in a fairly tight bandage wrapping, securing them with a tight knot. Now all that was left was cleaning. Scrubbing with your average bathroom cleaner first and then coating every surface that had a red tinge left with bleach, and then repeat the process. It's not always a good thing having a vampire boyfriend with an abnormal sense of smell. Last but not least, grab the offending item which brought the whole mess about in the bathroom.

After that was all completed I went to by room, put the blade on the bedside table wrapped in tissue, grabbed a new change of clothes, jeans and a black tank top, threw them on after putting the old ones in the washing hamper, before going downstairs I took a precaution of putting on a black hoodie, thick enough that hopefully no scent of blood could seep through and grabbed the hamper and went downstairs. Still on autopilot I put the washing on, grabbed the carton of orange juice from the fridge and sipped a glass of it, just seemed like a reflex now, had to keep blood sugars up so I didn't do anything suspicious like oh I don't know, fainting.

I sighed to myself and spent the next two hours or so cleaning the house, leaving my room till last. I put the bed to rights, folded and hung up some clothes and then walked to the bed, pulling the hoodie off and dropping it to the floor along the way. I sat down on the bed and stared at the tissue wrapped blade and then down to my arms. I traced the intricate patterns with my finger along my right arm feeling the slightly risen skin and the steady pulse in my veins. I couldn't stop the tears then, feeling lower than ever I curled into myself on the bed and waited for the darkness that sleep offered me.

Right well there's the first chapter, this took me pretty much all day to write so I'm thinking updates are going to be every 2 days or so but school starts on Tuesday so I'll hopefully be updating by every Friday at the latest then but we'll see anyway Peace Out dudes enjoy freedom before school starts again XxX


	4. Rose Tinted Glasses Come Off

Hey peoples again thanks for reading and thank you to all the people who favourited and story alerted this fanfic Xxx

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**Scars- Chapter 2**

_**The Rose Tinted Glasses Come Off.**_

Luckily it wasn't a nightmare that woke me up this time.

I sat up from my huddled position on the bed to sit on the side. I put my feet down on the cold hard-wooded floors, leaned back slightly on my extended arms and turned my head to stare out of the window.

Forks' weather must be working overtime by the sound of the wind; the branches from the tree outside my bedroom window were causing the screeching noises that woke me up.

Sudden flashes of last night came back to me in a rush and I groaned to myself _I promised myself no more... _

But that had been the day Edward came back, I only promised it to myself for his sake, seems like most things I did were for him these days. _But that's how it's always been with him around_...

I smiled to myself for that thought, I knew there was a problem with being that way in a relationship, but I know that it's the same way with him. _So leaving was for me too? ..._

I believed him when he told me he left because he wanted me to be safe and I still believe him, but that doesn't make it right ... it doesn't feel like anything can make it right again... but I try ... for him.

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It turned out to be almost 9am when I finally dragged myself from my musings and out of bed, realising I had got around 4 hours sleep and feeling just like it.

I walked into the bathroom gawking at the sight of myself in the mirror, hair in a mess of curls hanging down almost to my waist, paler skin than usual, blotchy red cheeks from last night's tears, but what really made me stop and stare was my eyes.  
They looked so haunted and didn't seem to have that spark of life anymore... and when did I start to look so _tired?  
_I turned round, not wanting to look anymore and found myself staring down at my arms again and quickly tugged the bandages from last night off and saw my newly healing additions to my patterned arms. Then just like last night I felt like the lowest being on earth. I felt my heart plummet into my stomach at the sight and felt myself collapsing onto the floor. My arms and my right thigh the sufferers of the numbness I still – rarely now - needed relief from.

I remember that, at first, the numbness was nice. It was my only escape from the pain ... but before I knew it - the numbness had started to take over my life and I could rarely feel any other emotion, and it scared me so I sought the only way to feel something ... _anything_ again.

What I hadn't noticed during my staring was my arm reaching for Charlie's razor, then breaking it and snatching up one of the smaller blades, blood beginning to drip from my palm and fingertips. I sat, on the bathroom floor gazing blankly as my hand brought the blade down and across my wrist several times in shallow cuts, hardly feeling anything I repeated it again but deeper this time and watched as the crimson liquid flowed out in a steady stream onto my jeans, to drip on the bathroom floor. I looked curiously at the stark contrast of the deep red almost black blood against the bleak white tiles of the bathroom floor.

I must have realised at some point that there was too much blood everywhere, there wasn't nearly this much last night I was sure. And I fought with the numbness to reach for a towel this time and pressing with most of my strength against the slices. And then - something I hadn't felt in a while - the physical pain came crashing down on me in waves. The cut was _deep_ I realised stupidly. 

_Too much, gone too far this time, so much blood..._

Where my only thoughts as I pushed myself up and leaned heavily against the sink, wrapping the towel tightly around my arm and tying it as best I could. Looking down at the horror of my actions I felt nauseous, the utter stupidity of my actions caught me by surprise. I didn't want to die did I? By the amount of blood I wouldn't be shocked if I caused some kind of damage from blood loss, but I didn't want to think that far, just far enough ahead that I got some food and drink and sugar down me. And let's not forget cleaning up this mess.

_So much blood..._

Okay I had to stop and just calm down, I wasn't dead, my arm wasn't totally numb which I suppose was a good sign and I could feel it throbbing where I had cut too deep. However by the looks of things it wasn't dangerously deep and I could have thanked god for that, hopefully a trip to the hospital was just barely avoided as long as I got things done quickly before Charlie or even worse Edward got home. _Edward didn't specify when exactly he would be home._

"...well crap" I breathed into the small bathroom.

I didn't want to look down and see the mess of blood again, but I knew I couldn't just leave the bathroom without some form of tidying up otherwise the scent would be all over the house ... and I didn't have enough bleach for that.

So with that in mind I switched to autopilot again but with a bit more hurry as the panic settled in.  
I stripped off my clothes and wrapped them in a towel which I dumped into a corner of the bathroom. Then by barely looking down to avoid the other discarded blades, I switched the shower on and hopped in with my damaged arm extended out of the shower curtain to avoid getting wet and tried as best as I could with one arm to wash my body and wash the blood from my legs off.

After that was done I switched the shower off and wrapped a towel around myself and set another one on the floor across the blood covered floor to stand on, then stepped carefully to the sink and grabbed everything I would need for my arm. Slowly untying the towel the blood seemed to have already dried slightly which was good news, so I went through my ritual again, cleaned thoroughly, used two plastic back pads to cover the cuts and wrapped in a bandage. The two cuts from last night were pretty much scabbed over but I put a single layer of bandages over them again just so they wouldn't catch. With that done I set about cleaning the bathroom which was done it just around 20 minutes. Then grabbed all of the blood soaked clothes and towels and carried them into my bedroom and dumped them into the hamper with the towel I had wrapped around myself. Then grabbed a pair of knee length black leggings and a warm black jumper which reached about mid thigh and since it was pretty worn, the sleeves easily covered my wrists and hung to about the tips of my thumbs.

After pulling my hair into a loose braid at my right shoulder I grabbed the hamper and went downstairs to take the load from last night out of the washer to be replaced with the new load, set it for a hot water wash, then put the old load into the dryer since it was still slightly damp.

Grabbing the orange juice carton from the fridge I gulped down what was left from it and then poured myself a glass of milk and set about making some real food.  
So half an hour later and a meal of pasta and pesto later I returned to my room, finding it to be 6 o clock and the storm outside still carrying on. Finding I had nothing else to do now I sat down on my bed, staring at my alarm clock as the seconds tick by. My attention was again turned to my arms, I had looked so many times I had the patterns pretty much memorized, so there was no need for a visual. I'm not sure at what point it was that I realised this, or if I had known it all along...but I knew there was a problem. At some point I had taken the leggings off and found myself staring at my right thigh. _Problems ... Imperfections ... wrong..._

It was all true one way or another ... if I couldn't stop I would need ... something to help me stop, not someone, no; no one could keep this a secret like I could.

But as I sat there looking over the scars and being more attentive to the ones on my thigh, I knew I would stop, one way or another, it wouldn't be easy but I would.

I am far from perfect and the scars are just another reminder...

'_Not good enough'...._

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Right, well that sounds more like the ending of a story which is not the case, but there wasn't really any other way to get the bit about the 'not good enough' scars that where on her thigh. So this took a bit longer than normal and I'm sorry for that but you know what life is like =P. But luckily this story is going to get my focus instead of "Freedom" because there are more people enjoying this story =] So the more reviews the more confidence ill get in this story which means writing will be done quicker.

And remember if you want something to happen in the next chapter(s) suggest ideas and I'll more than likely include them where I feel they'll fit.

Peace Out all you readers XxX


	5. Chapter 3

Hi guys, first of all really sorry for how long this took to get up but you know how school is -_- . Right I didn't want to put much drama into this one, just some cute fluff so nothing that screams sadness in this chapter. Anyways just to clear up a few things – yes Edward will find out I have a lot of ideas about how he could find out and I'm still undecided and also the reason that Alice hasn't seen anything in a vision is because Bella has never made a conscious decision to do the self harm so yep. Okies last thing which is important: I have a shit load of exams coming up, I have one this Wednesday and then a week load of them starting on the 4th and then even more in may and June which is why if I even manage to upload during my free time – the chapters are not going to be long and god knows how often I'll be able to update so here's hoping I can get something to you though.

Okies well on with the show and all that – see you at the bottom XxX

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The alarm clock had ticked to 8:15pm when I next looked up.

Lost in thought was ... one way of describing how time seems to slip through my fingers these days.  
But, for the first time while being home alone I found that I had a small smile across my lips... it felt good to smile, now being resolute in my decision to fix the mess I had gotten myself into._ Edwards fault... _

No, no I won't go there, it was a mistake, well big mistake on his behalf but _I_ chose to do the physical damage to myself- which made it my job to make it right.

My inner ramblings stopped when I heard the house phone ring, so with surprising grace I ran downstairs to catch the phone in time.

"Hello?" I asked breathless.

"_Hey Bells you ok?" _Charlie replied with a chuckle.

"Yeah, I'm good, was just running for the phone – what's up?"

"_Listen Bells, the storms' been rolling in since yesterday and I didn't think it would get this bad, so I don't think I'm gonna chance the roads tonight, hopefully I'll be able to get out of La push by tomorrow sometime, do you think you'll be ok on your own for a little while longer?"_

"Hey dad don't worry about it, don't go taking any risks on those roads got it?"

"_Yes ma'am" _He chuckled "_Okay then Bella, I'll give you a call tomorrow morning if I'm still stuck."_

"Ok dad have fun with Billy and Jake"

"_Careful Bells, see you later"_

"Bye dad" and I hung up the phone.

Well at least I didn't have to make Charlie dinner now. With the washing almost finished I grabbed the clothes that were now dry from the dryer and trudged upstairs to dump them on my bed to sort out later. I grabbed my leggings from the end of the bed and put them on again – just a precaution. Time was ticking by slowly now it seemed ... only half 8. Those new cuts were starting to itch so I went back to the bathroom to clean them again and change the dressings on them, I made sure to open the window just slightly and spray a bit of air freshener, you can never be too careful. With that completed I had only killed about another 15 minutes. It was strange how I wasn't wasting the minutes away lost in my thoughts now, maybe this was an improvement?

It was starting to get a little chilly so I went back to my room, zipped up the hoodie from last night that was still on my floor and found a pair of uggs that Alice had bought me recently. Again time was passing slowly, so maybe some TV was in order.

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I spent about 10 minutes just flicking through the channels before I settled on some mindless mtv episode on god knows what. About 20 minutes into it I started hearing cracks of thunder and lightning, and then the serious downpour began. Another 5 minutes later there was a distinct bang and the TV switched off, and then all of the lights.

Well seems my bad luck returned, how nice.

Sitting alone in the dark probably wasn't the most productive thing I could be doing so I hauled myself off to the kitchen, feeling along the walls and furniture until I found the draw where the matches, lighters and a few candles were kept. I silently thanked Charlie for having candleholders as well.

After lighting the 3 candles I could find – two thin long ones and one that was fairly wide but small after being used so much- I scouted round the kitchen for any other candles and managed to find about 4 other chunky ones. After a few trips back and fourth I had set up the candles along the fireplace and had my own mini fire going.

I settled myself on the floor in front of the couch staring into the flames; feeling slightly scared of being on my own in a dark house but enjoying the silence of the night. Well the silence didn't last too long, the front door banged open giving way to the stormy winds whistling through the doorway and also giving way to Edward. After my initial episode of a heart attack and falling over backwards had passed I couldn't hold the smile as it crossed my face as I saw Edward. He sent me his crooked smile back at me and softly closed the door behind him and I heard the bolt latch – locking the door in place.

Before I could see him move he was hugging me to his chest after he had pulled me over to sit across his lap – still on the floor.

He buried his face into my neck and sighed and I shivered from his cool breath and his close proximity. _Some things will never change..._

"Hello love". He sighed, still buried in my neck but holding me to him tighter.

"Mmm ...hey" I breathed, and snuggled closer to him, nuzzling myself closer so there was hardly any distance between us.

He chuckled and brought his face up to stare into my eyes and I found myself breathless after seeing such tender love and affection in his topaz orbs.

"I missed you" he whispered, and before I had a chance to tell him I had missed him more, he brought his ice cold lips to mine and caressed them as softly as a moths wing, yet still with a deep burning passion and urgency that I couldn't help but respond to, but behaving as he always asked me to. Now that he was here it felt that he had been away much longer than he really was, so I didn't want him to pull back so soon.

I felt him smile against my lips after a few moments of kissing, possibly at my good behaviour. He allowed the kiss to last quite a bit longer than usual and when I became breathless he brushed his lips across my cheek and down to my neck where he brushed his lips against the sensitive spot behind my hear which made my breath catch and in turn made him chuckle and move away again.

I sighed, wishing we didn't have to stop kissing for more than 5 minutes at a time. With his distracting kisses now over I took the chance to look over him properly, his hair was slightly wet from the rain and his dark grey t-shirt was sticking to him slightly showing off his well defined muscles. He was also wearing the usual black casual jeans; all in all he could be male model. _ Maybe he is ..._ I couldn't help but chuckle to myself which made Edward tilt his head and look at me confusingly.

I simply shook my head at him and moved his hair away from his forehead to chastely kiss him there. He was smiling again.

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We sat there for a little while in silence, trading small words of affection now and again though. I loved that we could just be quiet together and not have to strain to fill in silences with unnecessary small talk and just his presence kept my wallowing self musings away.

I wasn't sure what time it was at this point, but I was beginning to get sleepy and I suppose Edward could tell as he lay down, dragging me with him so I was partly draped over him and my head fitted under his chin. He was slowly stoking my hair and I soon felt him pull out my loose braid and he continued to run his hand through my hair slowly lulling me to sleep.

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I woke some time later to have the feeling of floating ... which was strange in itself, but with more of my consciousness coming back to me I felt to strong arms under me and I moaned sleepily to having been woken up.

"Shhh my love, go back to sleep" ... Well I didn't have to be told twice.

I awoke again for the second time that night from the feeling of my hoodie being pulled off and I moaned again in protest but I only got a hush in response. When that was finally done I settled myself back down into his side and felt Edward slowly stroke my arm over the jumper I still wore, he lifted my hand and pressed a cold kiss to the back of it and then pressed a kiss to my wrist and seconds later seemed to freeze. I felt his whole body stiffen against mine and I tried to pretend I was asleep and turn away but he kept a firm hold on my wrist.

He began to lift my sleeve up "Bella?" He whispered into the darkness of my room, he knew I wasn't asleep anymore. "Edward ..." I pleaded, almost silently. "Who did this?" He sounded horrified. "...Me".

The silence was deafening.

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Mwahahaha yeah so I lied Edward has seen.

Okies I decided half way through this that if he didn't find out pretty soon I'd somehow just having the whole clique he comes into the bathroom while she's self harming coz he smells the blood thing.

So yeah! Okay again I just want to point out that I have no clue when I'm going to update this story yet but I'll go ahead and say that ... either next weekend or sometime during the week after but I need to try and get the next chapter of freedom up as well.

Peace out dudes lemme know what you thought and if you wanna suggest how Edward reacts give me some ideas and they will hopefully be included.

See you next update XxX


	6. Chapter 4

Well well well long time no read... you see what I did there?? No not funny??.. Okayy

Anways some good news, hopefully with no exams till the 4th I should be good with getting the chapters done at least every Saturday night from now on.

**Just a quick note to remind you all – this story is based on _some _of my own experiences and then what some of my friends have gone through so just to make sure you understand that this isn't the same for all self-harmers, there are similarities but everyone is different, and this story is fictional but with some facts: /... ok so just so I hopefully don't offend anyone.

See you at the bottom XxX

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He was staring.

The silence was only broken by the thundering in my chest and Edwards's sharp intakes of breath each time a new scar was revealed. Half of my decorated arm was now on show and I wasn't sure if Edward could count them like I could. Each scar was imbedded in my head, I wasn't completely aware I was doing them at the time but afterwards I was more than aware of the damage.

He was so still, even for a vampire.

_Vampire.... _That made me stop short, the bandages would not be enough alone to hide the scent of my blood to him, but he didn't seem to notice, he just kept –glaring now- at the scars that were visible to him.

He was staring at one in particular now, one that almost encircled around my arm, which was one of the more recent ones when I got a bit carried away with the need to feel. He reached out with his other arm as if to trace it with his fingers as well as his eyes, but with a speed that surprised both of us I snatched my arm away from him, turned over and huddled deeper into the covers.

My body was stiff, too afraid to even make the movements made by breathing. Breathing so shallow I could hear the movements in the room... there were hardly any.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I could see a white hand reaching towards me, but again before he could grab me, I launched myself out of bed and stumbled to the closest wall.

In retrospect, standing by a wall wasn't the best place to stand, if he chose to, he could trap me against the wall and I wouldn't have another chance to get away, but I was too scared to make my body listen to my brain now.

Still staring at him- probably with the whole dear in the headlights look plastered across my face- he had not moved apart from sitting up against the headboard in the bed. He was staring at me, but not my face.

I chanced a look down to where he was staring and quickly tugged my sleeve back down. Embarrassed, I looked back up through my eyelashes, biting my lip. He was looking at me now, and his expression was so heartbreaking I wanted to look away but he wouldn't release my eyes from his stare.

"Bella..." my name was just a breath from his lips. He seemed to tremble for a moment and then force himself to remain still.

Acting as if I was a scared animal he slowly moved off the bed and hesitantly walked to wards me, arms slightly outstretched to me. Feeling the little adrenaline leave my body, I slowly sank down against the wall and with one last look to his agonized features, buried my face into my knees feeling my own body tremble however mine refused to stop.

_He'll leave you now ... you were no good for him before- there's no hope now ...... he was never supposed to find out..._

Those thoughts that clouded my mind like a dark mist forced the sobs to be released and the tears fell even quicker ... I hadn't noticed I had been silently crying.

My hair was working as an extra shield as well, framing around my shoulders and blocked away any gaps in my personalized cave that Edward wouldn't be able to peak. I had never been so thankful for long hair.

Again I should have known, hair wouldn't keep him from something that he had set his mind to. And it seems he really wanted to talk. Great. Fabulous.

_Shit..._

Only a few minutes must have passed until Edward got impatient and started to gently move my hair away from my face to fall down my back. He was sighing every few moments... I couldn't guess if they were exasperated, worried or if he was just trying to calm himself down.

Another few minutes later passing in silence, save for the occasional sob from me and the unknown emotion behind them sighs from Edward, I had yet to look up.

I didn't want to deal with this now; I didn't want to deal with it ever even!

He wouldn't understand, how could he understand everything I went through, just to have feeling leave because of the pain, this was the only way I could feel something, anything, there just wasn't a reality that he would understand, vampires are rarely hurt physically. Just because he has lived for over 100 years does not mean he will be able to understand this.

Unfortunately this really wasn't my night, he began questioningly tugging on that sleeve again... at least his suspicions were limited to that arm. I wonder if I had good chances of keeping the other arm and especially my thigh a secret from him. Doubtful...

I locked my hands around the opposite wrists, keeping the sleeves in place.

He sighed again, heavier this time and I heard him move away slightly, just to move to be kneeling in front of me.

He used both his hands, and threaded his fingers through my hair on either side of my head until his hands were holding the back of my head, with my hair wrapped around his fingers.

He then began to lift my head against my quiet protests, he accomplished that without too much resistance, but I refused to meet his eyes preferring to look down on my trembling arms.

I noticed I was still wearing the clothes from last night and the bandages were peaking out slightly from the ends of the sleeves, but I didn't want to risk moving my hands.

It must be a night for sighing for Edward, however this one came out with a bit more of a growl in it and slightly startled I couldn't help but look up and then I was trapped in that then my mind wandered off to those stupid vampire stories. _Vampires are able to glamour humans._ ...I really need to lay off fictional vampire stories.

"When?" It was a quiet growl.

I didn't want to answer, he already felt guilty for leaving, and in some sick and twisted way if I told him the truth, he would try and leave again for my own safety. He really wasn't all that good at it.

In the end I tried to twist my head away, but all that brought was a sharp pain to my scalp. Lovely. So much for never hurting me, a very well done you have broken yet another promise. Yeah sarcasm thoughts that I would never say.

"Go to hell"

I think we were both surprised by that response. Sarcastic thoughts but angry words- maybe it was because I was tired, mentally and physically, or maybe I was just tired of pretending that everything was fine.

He covered his shock with a calm mask, which soon began to fade into anger. I hadn't been scared of him in a while, but now I kinda wanted to hide under my blankets like a little kid.

However he made that impossible as he shifted to grab my upper arms and drag me to a standing position- still pressed against the wall by his body. I shivered.

"When did this happen?!" angry Edward was a scary Edward I had decided.

I stared at him in what I hoped was a defiant.

"Just a month or two after you and everyone else left" My voice was quiet but unintentionally sharp.

I enjoyed his facial reaction for all of 5 seconds before I deflated and gazed at his almost scared face.

"Oh Edward no... I'm sorry..." I whispered. But he released my arms as if he had been shocked and backed away from me until his legs hit the bed, then stumbling into a sitting position on it.

His eyes were wide and pleading, silently begging me that I was telling some sick and twisted joke. But he knew it was the truth, and I felt strangely lighter now that I wasn't carrying the burden on my own, but I didn't want him to have to worry....

"Please, Bella no... You promised...you...._please" _His voice was weak and beseeching. And I couldn't help but look down, only to look up again at his quiet sobbing.

Shocked I stumbled towards him and noticing my hesitation he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulled me forward to stand in-between his legs and buried his face into my stomach. In return I slightly bent over him and wrapped my arms around any part of him I could reach. I wanted him to stay where he was, if we were going to talk now it would be easier without having to see his face.

I realised he was speaking quietly, so quietly that I had to strain to hear him and only then I could make out apologies and my name mixed in. He was still sobbing, his breath catching now and again just to start the process over again.

I began to stroke his back with one arm and run my fingers through his hair with the other. After some time he grew silent, save for the odd hitch in breath, and after a few more minutes he seemed to shudder and then snuggled closer to me, his arms tightly but comfortable wrapped around me.

"Bella.... why would...how? I didn't think this would happen and ... _why Bella_?" he whispered, his voice apart of the darkness.

I didn't answer for a few moments, trying to piece together words to make sentences to make him understand in the slightest.

"It hurt... _so much _when you left Edward" I began and he chocked on a sob " at some point... I just went numb, couldn't feel a thing... I was grateful for some time, it made the days easier, it was hard pretending to be happy for Jake and Charlie. And then ... I didn't like the inability to feel anything... it seemed like it was taking over? I'm not sure but I guess a long story short, this was my only way of feeling something, and sometimes when the pain in my chest came back, this would ... not so much give me a break ... but distracted my mind for a little while."

"But Bella, I'm back now and there's bandages on your arms and I can smell the drying blood, you've done it again recently ... why?"

I simply shrugged, I didn't know anymore than he did why I did it while he was on a hunting trip; call it a trip down memory lane.

I started to sag against him slightly, emotionally worn out and noticing he brought us to lie down on the bed.  
I lay on my back with his body slightly draped over mine. He had his arms wrapped under me and his face pressed against my chest, listening to my thudding heart. I wrapped my arms around him and began running my fingers through his hair again. He sighed in content and I was happy that disaster was averted once again. He shifted slightly to press a kiss over my heart and then returned to his relaxed position.

Just as I was drifting into darkness I heard him whisper.

"I love you my Bella"

And as I finally drifted off, I held him tighter to me and felt more content than I had in quite some time.

******

**

This has taken days to write so I'm sorry it took a while guys. Any number of excuses but my room has been getting decorated and my laptop was lost among the boxes XD LOL.  
Anyway every time I got a new email alert for this story I started typing again he he.

Alrighty I have decided I'm going to try and be more efficient in replying to reviews and stuff, I've only really been replying to the suggestion ones if that and I know it doesn't take long to reply but time just doesn't seem like something I have these days except for the early morning hours :/.

*** Right if you guys weren't happy with the way Edward reacted I'm sorry =[but I tried to keep the suggestions in but you know how Edward shoulders the blame for everything and then he's angry for Bella breaking her promises. So yeah, right next chapter will probably just be a bit of Edward and Bella, I'll possibly return them to school or keep the storm going so their home alone...?? Up to you guys I'll leave it to a vote which will get counted probably Wednesday or something so get the votes in!! Lol

That way I'll hopefully get the story written by maybe Saturday night over here.

Peace Out XxX


	7. Chapter 5

Helloooo people! It feels like years since the last chapter O.o anyway I got a couple of ideas for this chapter so put off revision to get it down ... I hope your all happy -_- LOL.  
Yes so anyway the only two people who voted -_- feel a bit put out by that but no matter! Anyway they both voted for the storm to keep on going for this chapter, so we'll try and hash some things out in this chapter but the scars on her thigh aren't going to be revealed for some time – just a bit of a spoiler. X x x

Ooh and a little note 'EBJvampy' asked for a little background story a few chapters ago so I've included a few things here and some more will be in the next chapter or so xxx

So shall we see where we left off then.... yes? Okies see you at the bottom.

.........................................

_I lay on my back with his body slightly draped over mine. He had his arms wrapped under me and his face pressed against my chest, listening to my thudding heart. I wrapped my arms around him and began running my fingers through his hair again. He sighed in content and I was happy that disaster was averted once again. He shifted slightly to press a kiss over my heart and then returned to his relaxed position._

_Just as I was drifting into darkness I heard him whisper. _

"_I love you my Bella"_

_And as I finally drifted off, I held him tighter to me and felt more content than I had in quite some time._

I woke up to the phone ringing downstairs.

I couldn't tell what time it was because the skies were still dark with the storm, and I noticed soon after that; I was also in the same position as last night.  
I cracked a smile at seeing Edward laying partially over me, his head was still lying over my heart and his arms were still wrapped around me, he was even breathing gently. It seemed like neither of us had moved all through the night.

The phone had stopped ringing now and I made a mental note to go and call whoever it was back later... maybe a lot later.

Whether Edward knew I was awake or not I didn't know, so I brought my hands up from his back to his hair and began running my fingers through the wild bronze mess on top of his head. He sighed and hummed as I brushed through his soft hair. _I wonder if that's a vampire thing or if he just uses some great conditioner...._

I chuckled slightly and Edward shifted his face to see mine. He was smiling, genuinely and tenderly and lifted himself further up so he was looming over me- his elbows resting either side of my head. He bent down and gave me a sweet kiss- both of us still smiling. He pulled back and his smile seemed to widen.

"I love seeing that smile" He grinned and moved forward to kiss me again.

Before he had reached me though I remembered my morning breath and god knows what my face must look like after last night. _Last night ... ohhh_

Okay so that had slightly slipped my mind, Edward knew... kind of. This was good, hopefully he knows that I'm never going to do it again so he won't be suspicious of anymore, and he knows that the ones he has seen are already healing into fainter scars.

Quickly going back to morning breath I moved my hand in front of my mouth so he kissed the back of it instead of my lips. He pulled back with an adorable confused look and I mumbled about having a human moment.

He chuckled and let me up, but before I reached the door he spun me back round to face him and from the shock I had dropped my hand and he took his opportunity.

Once he pulled away from me and did a little hand gesture towards the door, I was on my way to the bathroom grumbling about men all being the same. I could hear his roaring laugh down the hallway.

Quickly stripping off my clothes and gently tugging off the bandages to see the cuts scabbed up, the deeper one from yesterday still a bit raw. I chucked the clothes into the corner and the bandages into the bin and turned the shower on, waiting for it to warm up.

While waiting I pulled out the necessities for cleaning my wrists again and a new bandage with a few safety pins.

Checking the water to see that it was a good temperature I stepped in carefully and slowly eased my arms into the water so the hot water wouldn't burn too much. After the cuts only had a slight burning feel to them I set about washing my hair with my favourite strawberry shampoo and conditioner, washing my face and shaving in the necessary places.

Turning off the shower and wrapping a towel around myself I couldn't remember the last time I felt so refreshed. I leaned over the bath slightly to wring out my hair and then made my way over to the counter and set about cleaning my arms properly and bandaging them up again, only a single wrap around of material was fine now.

Tugging a comb through my hair, I made a mental note to take the clothes in the corner downstairs later and also call whoever it was back later.

Suddenly realising I hadn't brought any clothes in with me I grimaced and tried to give myself a pep talk to just walk into my bed room and ignore Edward, get some clothes and return to the bathroom. However that wasn't needed.

A knock to the bathroom door made me jump back and let out a small shriek.

I could hear his chuckle through the door.

"Alice just called me, she's bringing the Volvo over and some spare clothes for me, she sees the storm lasting longer and can't see Charlie coming home for a day or two and doesn't want you left on your own." His voice was slightly muffled through the wood of the door, and now it seemed like I was going to have a day or two of quality time with Edward, a silly grin stretched across my face from the thought.

"Bella? I'm going to go and wait downstairs for Alice"

"Okay, urm Edward? Do you mind waiting downstairs for me?"

"...Yes." It was slightly strange how he hesitated.

"It might be for the best, that is, it is the best place for us to talk about everything."

My breath caught in my throat and I felt panic settling in. Of course Edward would want to talk about everything in more detail, but I told him everything he needed to know...

Before I had a chance to protest I heard his quiet footsteps leave the door and head towards the stairs.

Taking my chance I ran carefully back to my room and scoured the draws for something comfortable and warm to wear. The central heating in the house had seemed to have broken with the storm the way it was. No matter, I pulled on some underwear, dark worn jeans, a dark blue jumper (his favourite colour on me, maybe it would soften him up) and quickly towel dried my hair so it was just slightly damp. I ran a quick brush through my hair again and then put off going downstairs by throwing on some mascara and eyeliner, then spending some time running my fingers through my hair- trying to make it look thicker and curlier.

I could almost sense Edwards's impatience so steeling my resolve I walked purposely downstairs, ready to defend myself if I had to for some bizarre reason.

I found him sitting in the living room, on the couch in front of the fireplace where we had sat last night. However now instead of the small makeshift fire from candles galore, was now a bright roaring fire, I guess Alice brought some wood as well.

He was wearing new clothes as well; he was now wearing comfy worn jeans and a light brown jumper, one that I just wanted to bury myself in it looked so soft.

He turned his head when he heard me, and beckoned me over by holding his hand out to me. I slipped my warmer one into his and he gently tugged me down to sit next to him, and he then proceeded to lift my legs from the floor to rest across his lap. The couch was only a two seater, so I made myself comfortable against the corner of it. He gently stroked his fingers along the top of my foot and that small gesture brought me the calm I really needed for this conversation.

I wasn't sure who was going to start this conversation, was I just supposed to go over a timeline? Or was he going to ask very specific questions or ask for more than I could answer?

Eventually after staring into the fire for some time, Edward shifted his head to lean against the couch like I was and locked me in with his stare. He continued to stare at me and when he finally spoke, it was only one quiet word.

"Explain." It was more of a command than a suggestion.

"What do you want me to explain?" I was equally as quiet.

He huffed a sigh and let out a bitter laugh at the same time and seemed to mouth to himself what I had previously said.

"Bella..."He sighed and shook his head, he then leaned his head back against the seat to stare at the ceiling.

"Everything Bella! I only know basics of this, I want to know why, I want to know how you felt and what you thought each and every time you did this so it won't happen again"

I narrowed my eyes at him but he was still staring at the ceiling, seeming to feel my gaze on him he shifted to stare at me, considering his facial expression, I must have looked more angry than I thought.

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence." With that said he seemed to go over the sentence himself and with a puzzled look on his face he continued to ask me questions relentlessly.

"Bella, I'm only looking out for you, don't you understand how dangerous this is?! You will not do this again, I forbid it"

I cleared my throat to begin.

"First of all, you will not 'forbid' me to do anything... ever. Edward I know this is dangerous and before you start questioning me, I already told you why I did what I did, so that doesn't need to be explained. As for what I thought... I was never thinking properly really, I mean in some sense I knew what I was doing but it was more like an outer body experience... just desperate to feel something and come back to myself." I shook my head not really understanding my actions totally myself.

"I can't give you anymore than that Edward, until I can understand it better myself, you will just have to be confused like me." Tears had started to leak from my eyes just to top this morning off.

I could tell he wasn't happy with my lack of an answer. But as he saw the tears weren't stopping, he softened his expression and sighed again.

The silence dragged on and saved by the bell had never been truer.

I jumped up for the phone and stood in the kitchen facing the wall.

"Hello?" I answered.

"_Hey there Bells."_

"Hey dad, you doing ok?"

"_Bells, this storm really doesn't look like it's going anywhere for another day, I'm stuck at Billy's for a while, are you going to be ok for another day or two on your own?"_

"Dad I'm 18 remember I'll be fine"

"_Hmm, sure thing Bells, is there much damage over there"?_

"Not much that I can tell, there looks like there's an electricity cut for the street though."

"_Oh well it's still early, Billy reckons that the storm will ease up a bit by noon, so just another three hours and hopefully everything will be back on."_

It was only nine in the morning? Even after all the stress of the night before I felt pretty well rested.

"Good, well ill hopefully see you tomorrow then dad"

"_Okay, bye kiddo and be careful"_

"Yes dad, bye"

I hung up the phone and stared for a moment before lifting my head up and walking slowly back into the living room.

Edward was staring into the flames again so instead of waiting I just walked to sit next to him again, tucking my legs under me this time.

After about five minutes of tense silence and staring into the flames I whispered to him.

"What do you want to know?"

He looked at me with soft eyes, and picked up my left arm from last night and slowly lifted my sleeve, giving me time to pull away.

I didn't.

Luckily this arm didn't have the really deep cut on and he still wasn't aware that the other had any on at all which was a relief.

After he had pushed the sleeve up to my elbow, he looked quietly for a moment before gently touching one scar in particular. Silently asking what this one meant. It was one of the scars that had been repeatedly sliced into, every time the same thought crossed my mind.

"Every time I realised you had taken Alice from me."

His face seemed to be fighting for the calm mask to remain, but he still had a hitch in breath.

He pointed to another one, this time not as bad as Alice.

"Even though Rosalie didn't like me, I missed her"

It continued like this for some time.

Sometimes asking me questions and other times just letting me speak my thoughts. He pointed to some of the scars that I couldn't even remember doing, but the jagged lines in them showed that they were done during fits of rage over everything I had lost or everything that had changed.

He finally pointed to the last one. The longest and deepest scar... on that arm anyway.

I could tell he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know this one, he knew it was bad and I knew this would upset him more than the rest.

"When I realised that you never loved me, and you were never coming back."

We were both right, this final one broke him. His face crumpled and he shook with sobs as he brought my arm to his face and began kissing and gently caressing every scar visible, leaving his till last, he pressed the most desperate kiss to this, seeming to will it to disappear for all that it stood for. My pain from his absence was etched into my heart, my memory, into the scars on my body.

He whispered to me over and over that he was here and that he would never leave me again, he would rather die than leave me again.

In the back of my mind there was still a hint of doubt, I was aware that is would more than likely always be there with me, it was just a part of me now.

Eventually we positioned ourselves against the sofa so that I was curled into him in his arms. He head was pressed under his chin and I was living my thought earlier, burying my face in his jumper. It smelled like him, it smelled like home and we both eventually calmed down. He had buried his face in my hair with one hand twisting the locks around his fingers, and his other holding me tightly to him. I fisted my own into the soft material.

I looked over to the clock on top of the fireplace and saw we had been talking for almost an hour. The storm didn't sound any better, so that meant I had the whole day with Edward still. I hoped for no more questions today and I prayed even harder that I wouldn't somehow slip up and let him find out about any of the other scars on my body today.

Maybe luck would be on my side today...

Oooh dumdidum....

Oh well hell!!! Did you see how much I wrote for your guys!

Anyway you know the drill guys, review and suggest and I shall see you next weekend.

Peace Out XxX


	8. Chapter 6

Hey guys sorry I couldn't get this up sooner, I literally wrote most of this in my revision sessions over the week ... woops and so now I haven't revised for my geography mock .. Tee hee.

Anyway yeah thank you guys for the reviews for the last chapter, they really do make my days happy and sunny: P

**And and ooooh I made something happen in this chapter ... but I can't tell you here... go and read!! Bye!!!**

And again I'm really sorry for the chapter being a day or two late and slightly shorter than the last but you will see why!! x x x

****** ............. *******

"I love this colour on you."

We had both sufficiently calmed down by now. And he had moved his hand from my hair to stroke the dark blue material covering my shoulders.

I smiled to myself, and then sighed in content as his arms kept me close to him, feeling warm although his body was cold.

He still had his face buried in my hair, and I could feel his cool breath move the strands as he breathed deeply.

He began stroking my forearm now, and I sighed again in disappointment ... we were nowhere near done talking it seemed. He began fiddling with the hem of the sleeve, I didn't think he wanted to see the scars again, but just wanted to make his intent clear.

Finally growing agitated by his continuing fiddling I shifted my head to look up at him, just to see his face pinched in frustration, and he seemed to be struggling with whatever he wanted to say next.

I felt another tugging, but this time it wasn't the sleeve, it was one of the bandages I had left on just in case. He didn't try to loosen it or take it off, but trying to be more specific in what he wanted to talk about. Eventually he looked into my eyes and heaving a breath, he asked me in the barest of whispers if I had stopped.

"Yes" I made sure that my voice sounded resolved and sure and everything else that would help to make him believe that I had stopped, he didn't need to know about my rare slip ups. Besides I was more than sure that he was going to keep a closer eye on me now, whether he would ever ask Alice to keep an eye on me I wouldn't know. But that however got me thinking about why Edward hadn't found out sooner due to Alice. She wouldn't actually keep something like this away from Edward, and even if she did, she would talk to me about it first- I was sure of it.

But I obviously wasn't going to ask Edward about that now, if I did he would want to find out if there was any possibility that Alice had seen and kept it from him, which would then in turn let her know what was going on and then she would tell jasper, and soon it would come full circle, and everyone of them would know. I wouldn't be surprised if they found a way to tell Charlie about it as well.

That was another reason why I had never wanted any of them to find out. I had been enough trouble for Charlie during the months of Edwards's absence, he didn't deserve any of that and he doesn't deserve to have any more put on his plate to worry about.

During my inner monologue Edward had continued to stare into my blank eyes, but finally snapping out of it I assured him once again that I have stopped and would never ever do it again... I hope.

He growled out a 'good' and pulled me even closer to him, he returned me to my previous position with my head under his chin and the words from his mouth made me want to cry the tears I was sure had finally ran out.

"Because I couldn't bear to cause you more pain Bella. I wish I could take away all of the pain you have endured over these months we have been apart. I would gladly suffer your pain, knowing you would not suffer."

Well that was very sadomasochistic of him, and slightly odd.

"I would never wish that you know" My voice was quiet, and I had to refrain from snickering at his shocked face when I pulled back again, I didn't realise his eyes could open so wide.

"Edward ... everything that happened, happened for a reason. Before you ... left... I think that what we had was very big and scary ... but so wonderful. Edward you have to understand that you are the first person that I have ever loved like this, and I am so new to it, and I know you are as well! But it's so different."

"How is it so different?" He was confused, but happy I was talking to him.

"Well, I was 17 when we fell in love and everything was so new and then the only experience of a couple I have seen was Renée and Charlie, and just look how that turned out. But then you have had decades to see what kind of love there really is, you had your family and that would have given you hope. I never had hope for a love like this ... this kind of stuff is in books and fairytales... But now, I feel like the time we spent apart has given me time to reflect over it all, I was able to see how naive I was in some things, but now it feels like we've both grown up in some senses, we've both changed."

He stared at me in a shocked silence, and I felt my cheeks heat with a sudden embarrassment of talking so much.

"When did you become so wise?" Well that was a shock. I looked up to stare at him quizzically and he grinned back at me. His grin softened into a tender smile when he saw my confusion, and he gently kissed my forehead.

"I understand that Bella, and you are right that while the experience was the worst I have experienced, I too see the change it has had in both of us, and we ... well I mainly will learn from it."

"Edward no you-"

"Bella, do not try to take the blame for this, I shouldn't have made the decision, I should have talked to you about my fears, instead of forcing my family to leave home, without telling you goodbye ... and I most certainly should not have don't it how I did"

"Well, while I'm not happy it happened, the experience was necessary to get us where we are now. But there will always be a part of me that wished you hadn't done it at all."

His eyes were unreadable, but then closed them softly, and pressed his lips to my forehead.

"I know" he murmured against my skin. "I know..."

The silence soon felt heavy, so much was already was said, a lot of it I never thought I would have the guts to tell him, but now everything felt calm, we finally had an understanding between us on his absence.

But I knew that there was still much for us to talk about, I didn't want to totally acknowledge the fact that there was so much more to talk about, but I figured that could wait for another night. Eventually I suggested a game of cards, totally cliché for tense moments but he agreed to it with a small smile.

Of course Edward won every game I suggested, but I managed to beat him on go fish.

"Yes! Finally I beat the almighty card champion!" I giggled uncontrollably until I heard a growl, no matter how playful it was it still managed to shut me up. I looked up at him with wide eyes from were I sat on the opposite side of the couch. He continued to growl, and then suddenly in a move so quick I missed, I was pressed into the couch under him and he was torturing me – well tickling me relentlessly.

I giggled again, gasping for air attempting to tell him to stop. He seemed to understand my struggle and grinned down at me.

"Tell me a secret" He was enjoying this far too much.

"I don't *gasp* have any secrets!"

"Hmm, well I'm not sure I believe that Isabella" He growled again, but this one was not playful in the slightest. He stopped tickling me and pinned me down.

He was staring at my arm ... the one he hadn't been suspicious of.

My luck really wasn't on my side today, after moving around so much during the tickling attack, the sleeves had managed to move up my arm, half of my left forearm was now exposed, the bandage covering my deepest was still tightly wrapped, but the other scars were on show. This was more scared than the right; I could barely see anything in Edwards's eyes except for anger and betrayal.

I thought I was doing the right thing in not telling him ... it wasn't his business or anyone else's, and I felt helpless now, I had no power over the situation and I had no choice but to lay there and let him glare at the scars.

"After the storm ... we are talking to Carlisle" He ground out through clenched teeth.

With that there was hardly any noise in the room, only my increasing heartbeat. I couldn't breathe from the shock of another of_ his _decisions.

He refused to look at me now; he slowly released my arms and moved back to his end of the couch. Without much thought I lifted myself up and without looking at him, turned and went back upstairs. I felt the sting of tears, but refused to let them fall just yet.

My mind reverted back to the times when I would slip up, and the momentary break of the pain in my chest I would receive. It was rare for me to slip up, and even rarer for me to think like this. But it hurt too much and I just didn't care anymore. I refused to see Carlisle, if it was my choice no-one would have ever found out.

I soon found myself in the bathroom and I came to a realisation. Alice would see this without a doubt ... I had made a decision and now Alice would see... and she would know.

But by the time I had realised this, I was already in the bathroom, gripping hold of a razor I had no memory of finding. The first few passes of the blade hardly did a thing, and I could faintly hear Edwards phone ringing, then stopping, and then shouting.

Again I was hardly aware, but soon I found myself on the floor, feeling so dizzy, as if I hadn't taken a real breath in some time. This was a possibility from my sobbing. Looking down, I noticed that my arm that held the blade was so relaxed that the blade soon fell from my loose grip. Slowly turning my head I saw deep gashes, crimson liquid steadily flowing. There was more noise now, sounding like rushed running up the stairs. Turning once again, I saw the terrified eyes of Edward, and I knew I had really messed up this time.

Was it worth being late I wonder?

Again thank you for your reviews for the last chapter, it's great to know that some people are getting an understanding from this story and it's great to the others that you're enjoying the story in general.

Hopefully I'll get the next chapter done on time next weekend, I usually get it posted by Saturday night, so I'm not sure what time people in the US n stuff get it =S.

Anyway peace out guys and see you next weekend XxX


	9. Author Note  Sorry

Oh dear...

Shock and horror...

**Before any of you start looking for the actual chapter ... do not throw things at me... but there isn't one...**

WITH GOOD REASON! ... Just keep reading ... pweeese?

Right first ... thank you so much for all of the reviews ... you would not believe how guilty I feel about not updating but because things have changed I have my GCSE's early so I have them like next week and I have been panicking and revising so much and you know as well as I do that there just isn't enough time in the day.

Right next thing is that once my exams have finished which is on like the 24th of June you had better be expecting one long chapter, the basics for the chapter are set and it's been getting added to since the last update ... it's about the length of the normal ones so far but by no means finished.

I just want to again thank you everyone for being patient and keeping with this story especially considering how crappy I've been with updating lately...

Peace out x x x x x

**BUT! I shall leave you this until the next update...**

"_Edward! .Go!" I said through clenched teeth. He refused to let go of me, and my irritation was adding to my anger and embarrassment. This was going too far, refusing to let go of me so he could stare me down. His eyes were burning with anger, and I flinched slightly which he didn't miss. In his moment of chagrin, I attempted to pull away again, but that just made him grab onto my already tender wrists with a firmer strength._

"_Bella, be quiet and stop struggling, you will just end up hurting yourself."_

"_What? Just let go of me then!"_

"_NO! We will talk, and you will listen to me, if not Charlie will be the first to know and do not think that I will not do that- because you know I will._

Ooooo see you on the 26th or 27th xx


	10. Chapter 7

Ok guys, so this is horrible overdue and thank you so much to those of you who have stuck by this story and waited for my rather crappy updates =/. You all deserve big biiig chocolate cookies =].

Right well my excuses so you all don't hate me are that after the exams finished it was like yes! Freedom! But the teachers were like nope they haven't suffered enough ... let's give them piles of homework and coursework to fill up their small amounts of free time. So as you can see, had little time to get this long chapter done. But here it is! AHHH! Happy dance? I did when this was finally typed. And yes I know it's not long like I promised, but I've had writers block this last few weeks, occasionally changing bits and pieced but nothing new would come. So hopefully with the start of a new chapter which should be out in a day or two I should be good on the typing up the ideas.

** ok just so you guys know, Bella is going to be a little different in this chapter, hopefully you'll be able to get why she's changed a bit.

Ow.

Ok ow wasn't just it. Aching, throbbing all over pain.

I attempted to open my eyes, but the darkness was far too welcoming, focusing on the darkness, the throbbing in my head became fainter and the throbbing in my arm became slower. And then there was the shouting.

It was a beautiful voice ... like that of an angel, but why would an angel be shouting for me? Then I felt myself floating ... maybe this really was an angel?

"Bella open your eyes ... _dammit._" Well angels weren't supposed to cuss, this wasn't a very good angel, when my eyes finally opened I would have to tell the angel to watch their language.

As if I wasn't feeling enough pain, a sharp consistent patting started on my cheeks, and then an annoying pinch, like the ones your overly fond aunt always gives you during your visits.

I didn't like this pinching; I remember always slapping hands away when they did this, and this time wouldn't be any different if I had any say in it. While still struggling with opening my eyes, I lifted my right arm, the arm I could actually _feel_ and then ignoring the shocked gasp of my name, I clumsily pushed the cold hand away from my face.

Cold?

Weren't angels supposed to be all warm and stuff? The warmth was what was supposed to make you feel content and safe, but the coolness from this hand made me feel safe... angels are weird.

The throbbing in my head became more pronounced as I fought my way to the surface of the darkness, and then the throbbing in my arm became stronger as I felt my heart thudding faster and stronger in my chest. As a matter of fact that seemed to be the only sound in wherever I was. That and my- now stronger breathing.

The eyes finally decided they wanted to open and once they did everything came rushing back. Ok so no heaven, just a bit delirious from blood loss, after the argument with Edward who had now released a large breath of air he didn't even need. And now his anger from the argument had returned, along with his panic and worry, which softened his glare just slightly.

Slightly rolling my head from side to side since I was still dizzy, I noticed we were in my – kinda blurry – room and I was lying sprawled out on my bed, with Edward sitting on my right.

"Alice is on her way". He murmured.

That took a full minute to click in my head, never knew blood loss would cause so much confusion.

"You ... you told her?" My voice sounded pretty pathetic and reminded me like a small scared child's voice.

Edward shook his head gently and picked up my neatly bandaged arm, I knew that was his handy work because I never put the time into learning anything more than 'tight' and 'definitely won't fall off'.

"She was shocked on the phone ... she's worried as she never saw this coming. So no, I didn't tell her, and she is only aware of this one time, however in her vision she was able to see a few other visible ... scars." He continued to speak in his quiet voice, absentmindedly gliding his fingers over my arm.

"I tried to tell her not to come here, but being Alice, she refused and demanded she come and see you ... before I could protest she had hung up".

Processing all of this information was taking me slightly longer than I thought. But it did seem odd that she was taking so long. Seeming to read my mind Edward continued again in a quiet voice, but his anger and worry crept in.

"She is collecting a few ... necessary items from Carlisle's office, she will be here soon."

"...So ... what are we going to tell her?"

He simply raised an eyebrow at me and stared hard in my eyes. Then cocked his head slightly to the side.

"We? She is coming to see her best friend, I thought that you would like to explain things to her."

Shock quickly overtook me and I quickly tugged my damaged arm away from Edward. He was shocked that once again I seemed to be too fast for him. Maybe after this was all resolved I would once again be able to find humour in such a simple thing.

I had to bite down hard on my lip to stop the word vomit. My thoughts swirled around in my head, all the reasons that I did this, every single reason that almost always came down to Edward each time. Maybe I was still a bit delirious, but why should I have to be thrown in the lion cage? I never wanted anyone to know, and now all of a sudden I'm pretty much being forced to tell another person when I could barely hold my emotions in check the last time with Edward. And pulling at my last strings of hope, and sounding like a petulant child in my own mind, I had just come round from blood loss, just to go and face the wrath of Alice. Well if that didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside I don't know what will...

I must have been dozing, since the next thing I knew, I heard doors slam and quick angry steps march up the staircase. Alice was going intentionally slow to scare me I'm sure...

I slowly rolled my head to stare at the bedroom door and wait for Alice's dramatic entrance.

She didn't disappoint.

The door flung open to reveal and furious looking Alice, holding what seemed to be a fairly large medical bag. As the door hit the wall, the few pictures I had hanging on the wall either shook or fell. Thank you Alice for that extra clean up for yours truly.

She didn't say a word which I didn't really expect.

She dropped the bag next to the bed and then proceeded to walk stiffly around to my other side and inspected the bandaging. Showing her approval with a slight nod of the head, she then inspected the slightly messier bandage on my right wrist. She seemed to slightly turn her nose up at it and sniffed at it disapprovingly.

"Sorry to offend you with my inadequate bandaging skills, but at the time I was more worried about stopping the blood flowing out."

Ok. So might have forgotten about biting the lip to stop word vomit, this wasn't what I had planned my first thing to say would be. I was planning more along the lines of either blaming it all on Edward, or – during my time of thinking a little clearly – to just tell her ... somewhat of the truth.

In all my time of knowing Alice, I have never seen her at a loss for words. Her mouth continued to open and close, reminding me so much like a fish out of water I couldn't help but slightly chuckle at her expression. That apparently wasn't the best thing to do, but it was what was needed to get Alice started on the rant that I had been expecting.

Tuning out of pretty much everything Edward had already said I only caught parts.

"...dangerous ... silly ... idiotic ...could have lost you ... _Blah blah blah"_

Finally she seemed to have finished, I noticed absently that Edward had remained silent the entire time, probably for the best, they knew I didn't react well to being ganged up on.

Word vomit once again.

"Are you done?"

Alice floundered for a shorter amount of time this time, but my ears had to suffer her extra high pitch voice.

"_NO_! I am _not_! And further more Bella since you are my closest friend and I know how private you are, this is going to stay between us three_, for the time being_. If you don't get better Bella don't think I won't hesitate to tell Carlisle. And then if that doesn't work, Charlie will be the next to be informed. But that is my last resort Bella, I know this is because of our time away, and we have caused Charlie to suffer enough without having to put this on his shoulders as well."

"Don't you think I know that! Stop acting like a martyr Alice, it doesn't become you. And you know what? Before you start acting all high and mighty, just remember Alice, I was getting better _before_ either of you knew about this."

"And just how long is this 'before' Bella hmm?"

"Like hell I should know! I don't even remember half the time you were all away! It's all a freaking blur! Ever heard of repressing bad memories? Yeah I finally learned some survival instincts."

Both Alice and Edward let out a not so quiet growl at that. As I looked up I saw that Edward was glaring at my arm, while Alice was glaring at him.

"This is your responsibility Edward. You caused her to be like this, now you fix it, because if I have to lose my best friend again, don't think I'll be so forgiving a second time." With that, Alice turned to me, gave me a soft look and pecked me on the cheek, quietly whispering in my ear that she wouldn't tell anyone. Then after another soft smile, she left the house after informing us that the storm would allow Charlie home by Wednesday, and then school would start the next Friday. That seemed like a good day to return to school at least. We would only receive a few notes to catch up on over the weekend, which fitted in fine with my house arrest schedule.

After a few more tense moments with Edward, I quietly announced that I was going to get a shower. However before I could reach the door Edward zoomed past me and grabbed a small carrier bag from the bathroom. As he returned I saw all of the pointy or sharp objects that the bathroom contained. He grinned in a sort of sheepish way, and quietly stated Alice. I nodded gently and quickly grabbed some clothes from my top draw, walking slowly to the bathroom. As I turned the shower on waiting for it to heat up I sighed. I knew I was going to be watched now, house arrest taking on a new meaning.

Well ... the foreseeable future looked ... fun?

Err hi?

Ok so probably wasn't worth the wait but as I said writers block. I should get the next chapter up in a few days since I've just got work experience this week. Hope you understood why Bella was a bit different here, if you didn't let me know and ill explain in the author's note at the beginning of the next chapter.

Peace out and see you on the flip side. Xx


	11. Chapter 8  Life lines

Ok so there were one or two people who didn't really get Bella's strange behaviour. Well for one thing she's just lost a load of blood from when she slit her wrists, which was after Edward basically demanded that she would see Carlisle. Now anyone who has gone through this before, more than likely would say that they wanted to keep it to themselves. God knows I did, and I hated when everyone found at first. So yeah Bella's been demanded to see Carlisle, she basically feels like she can't keep any secrets to herself and she's losing the last bit of control in her life that she had.

** Now guys I know this is late, but as I said I have friends going similar things to this? The other day I had to go with my friend to the hospital because she had a bit of a ... relapse you could say. She had stopped for a few months and then one night it wasn't even a conscious decision. As she was getting stitched up she told me she didn't even realise what she had done until she thought she was bleeding way too much. So that little scary moment got me to get some writing done.

**Chapter 8**

Waiting for the shower to heat up, I looked around the room and noticed that Edward had already cleaned the bathroom meticulously; I couldn't spot a single drop of red, or a smudge of orange anywhere.

I sighed disbelievingly at how much had changed in just a few short days, all because of not being careful enough. The careful I had been practicing for months to hide this secret and keep it to myself. I think I knew in the long run it was never a secret I could keep; these kinds of things always find a way out of the dark...

And now, I would be on surveillance for the foreseeable future, all sharp and pointy objects removed from my line of sight, a specific someone with an abnormal sense of smell at the ready for any slip ups. I haven't felt this much of an outsider in a while...

The steam beginning to fill the bathroom caught my attention, and taking advantage of the hot water, I stripped and jumped in, avoiding the water as best I could on my bandages.

After struggling for a while, I promptly gave up and just let the water go where it may – Edward was likely to change it anyway ... even though I would much rather just do it myself. In all actuality I hadn't even seen how much damage I had done this time. Judging by the amount of bandaging on my arm, it wouldn't be too good. But I had always looked to see the outcome ... every time; actually having the choice seemed scary now. Before I didn't have the choice, whether or not to see the amount of damage, I always had to make sure it was properly cleaned and bandaged. Maybe this one time I would let someone else look after it.

Thinking back on that thought, it sounded like it wasn't the last, I wasn't sure if I could find the lie there.

Stepping out of the shower, I quickly grabbed a large towel to keep the warmth locked in, and then quickly grabbed another to dry my hair the best I could. My arm was still a little numb, but nothing I couldn't bare with. With a quick glance around the bathroom again, I noticed a pair of soft black jeans and a black tank top ... Alice must have known I wanted to be a shadow for a little while.

After quickly getting dressed and doing other necessities, I knew I couldn't hide from Edward for much longer, so gathering my waning confidence I opened the door only to crash into a rock hard chest.

His arms came around me to stop me from falling, but then as soon as I was stable, he quickly removed them. Feeling slightly on the defensive, I pushed passed him and walked towards my bedroom, where I found numerous medical supplies covering my bed. I was suddenly reminded of Mary poppins, that little black bag really didn't look like it could carry all of those things.

Sitting down on an empty space on my bed, I grabbed a pack of bandages and started fiddling with it. I watched as Edward slowly stepped forward and then slowly kneeled in front of me. He carefully pulled the bandages away from me and then got to work on undoing the wrapping around my arm.

He started talking quietly while he worked to cover the silence.

"You lost a lot of blood, but not enough to need a transfusion. I found quite a lot of bandaging material in the cabinets. You were unconscious for a while, so I had time to ... clean up the bathroom."

He seemed to concentrate on his work then, while I just continued to stare at the top of his head. I decided I really did not want to see what I had done. Feeling one final tug, I looked down to see my new freshly bandaged arm.

Everything after that seemed to blur into one event after that, his words just barely registering ... maybe the effects of blood loss were kicking in ... or maybe it was just that I was so tired after everything. What my brain could process was that Edward was going hunting again; he felt it necessary after being around my spilt blood for some time. However it would only be for a day or so, as the weather was going to permit us to go to school on Friday, just to get notes to catch up on over the weekend. I wasn't even sure what day it was anymore ... so it didn't really make much of a difference to me. He also mentioned that Alice would be staying with me during the nights, as Charlie would not make it home until early Friday morning. Then something about all pointy and sharp objects had been removed from the house – even a stash away blade he had found during his snooping. Apparently Alice had also gone as far as to get Esme to prepare some meals for 'Charlie' so I could not complain about there not being any sharp knifes to prepare food. Edward soon left me, after a soft kiss to my forehead, and then closing my bedroom door softly behind him. I was asleep before I even heard the front door close.

I wasn't sure how long I had slept for, but I woke up to a grinning Alice, holding up two shades of pink nail polish, and a pack of waxing strips.

_Great..._

Eventually we moved out little 'girly get together' as Alice had called it, downstairs to watch some lovey dovey girly movies that Alice had so graciously brought over. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy some romance – usually I preferred it in the form of books – but this was just so _cheesy! _

Ok so it wasn't just cheesy ... it was a bit creepy. Yes I could see the cuteness of having someone you love die... and then receiving letters. But in my point of view... wasn't it a little scary receiving letters from someone who's dead? Either way, Alice seemed to be enjoying it ... her little sniffles and awws were proof of that. Me? I was happily munching on popcorn and some Ben and Jerry's.

Glancing down for another scoop of cookie dough ice cream, I caught a look at my newly painted hot pink nails. As soon as Alice was gone... I was removing this Barbie colour...

The movie finally finished with the girl falling in love with another guy and ... yes you were right happy ending for all... except... you know ... the guy who died...

"Ahh Bella, wasn't that a beautiful story?" Alice said in a dreamy voice.

"Err, yeah ... totally beautiful and realistic in every sense," I grinned back, and she just stuck her tongue out at me in response. God, I really had missed quality time with Alice.

Time flied in girly best friend goodness, and before I knew it, I was waking up early Friday morning to Charlie crashing through the front door. I could still hear the wind outside, though not as bad as yesterday and knew that was the cause. Alice had said she would put everything back during the night, so Charlie wouldn't become suspicious. But, in response – she was going to be keeping a closer eye on me from now on, looking out for the slightest decision to do any form of damage.

When she had told me – I wasn't completely sure how to react, except for tightly smiling and nodding my assent. But really how else could I have responded? I couldn't say the truth – about how all of this was making me feel like I had lost control of my entire life, because then she would just respond that it was all for my own good... and that just made me feel like an incompetent child. So like I said – gotta keep it to myself.

Eventually dragging myself out of bed, I noticed it was only just after seven – I had plenty of time seeing as we didn't have to go into school until eleven. And that would be just to get notes from each teacher to look over, and then any homework to be completed over the weekend. Seeing as the weather was supposed to pick up again during the weekend – the school had figured that no one would have anything else to do.

Hearing Charlie's snores downstairs, I stumbled quietly, still tired, to the bathroom. After putting some towels on the radiator to warm, and letting the steam from the shower fill the room, I checked my face in the mirror.

Either I had just been really in need of some sleep, or those facemasks Alice had bought worked wonders.

After brushing my teeth thoroughly and quickly running a brush quickly through my hair I jumped in the shower, and now with practice, keeping my bandaged arm out of the water. After losing all feeling in my arm I decided to get out, and wrapping the warm towels around myself, I felt a little bit more human than I had before. Trudging back to my room I quickly changed into some sweats and a tank top and set about blow drying my hair. I wasn't too worried about the noise waking Charlie up – I could still hear his snores over it anyway.

After deciding to just leave my hair down in its usual curly mess, I set about doing something that Alice would be proud of. Makeup. Not much mind you, bit of smudged eyeliner with some mascara and then a little bit of concealer for the left over purple circles under my eyes.

Grabbing some dark wash jeans and a black tank top, I changed and then slipped on my trusty converses. Quickly swiping my hoodie from the end of the bed and the keys to my truck, I quietly snuck downstairs, to see Charlie still snoring away on the couch. I pulled the blanket from the other chair and gently lay it over him.

Deciding to just set off now and grab some coffee from the diner I quickly left a note to Charlie and set off in my spluttering truck. Reliable old thing it was.

Maybe reliable was too nice a word. After getting my morning energy source, my truck died about five minutes after I had pulled out from the parking lot at the diner. Frustration ran through me as the one day I forgot my mobile phone, I was stranded in crappy weather without my crappy heating system in my truck. I had even become so desperate as to look under the bonnet to see nothing out of the ordinary (to my eyes anyway) the tank was full, I had changed the oil not too long ago, and I hadn't overheated the radiator because I hadn't bothered with the heating until I had finished the coffee. It was only about half past nine now, so there was still plenty of time, but I still couldn't work out why Alice wasn't here and why she hadn't sent Edward or someone to help me. Feeling pretty helpless and not wanting to chance walking anywhere in this weather I settled for defeat today, I just wasn't in the mood to challenge fate.

But sometimes you get thrown a life line in life. And that was just what I believed happened when my long lost werewolf best friend pulled up behind me in his old rabbit.

Right guys first off do this one thing and listen to this song by Ozzy Osbourne called dreamer. Possibly my brand spanking new favourite song of all time.

Right anyway relating back the story, I know it was late but like I said a lot has happened. There was coursework, end of year and then taking my friend to the hospital and looking after her that day. But since its summer I'll do my best with the chapters each week but I can't promise much. The latest will be 2 weeks in between but we shall just see what happens I suppose.

Let me know what you think and if you have any ideas or suggestions for the next chapter just let me know. =] Peace out guys xx

And gah! Ware wolf is back. =]


	12. Chapter 9

Okay so yeah its been freaking ages since ive uploaded this story but im back .. well kind of

First of all happy new 2011 everyone im sure this is going to be a great year

****And also just scroll past all of this if you don't want to hear me babble =]**

Anyway let me just say that a load of crap has happened since the last chapter which I know none of you really care about but I always have my reasons =P anway obviously ive been crappy with the uuploads and its probably not really going to get better coz ive got more exams coming my way with less bank holidays off school because we already had snow days blah blah blah – its seriously first in last out with my school =/ and theres an owl hooting outside…. Its cool ..ANYWAYS

Yeh ok tons of coursework coming up for me and 4 exams this month however the wait wont be as long as last time though I assure you because I really want to get this story finished – at first it was just like a release because I was going through a load of stuff obviously by the genre of the story you can tell – anyway im feeling like a crap load better about myself and honest to god I wasn't going to do this but im going to make this into more of a story if I can if you get me? By now if you've read all of these A/N you probably understand how my brain works a bit by now

On a slightly less morbid subject im doing another little side story its not a one-shot but It kind of is at the same time? Well its not its just some funny fluff on isle esme, now seriously I don't do smut or lemons its just *shudder* so yeah its nothing like that but that isn't to say little bella and Edward don't have a little bit of sexy time … but yeah dudes seriously there will only be light groping if that! Because seriously im not gonna write about something that hasn't even happened to me … im not that old mind you im only nearly 16! Jeeze maan.. do you guys think its bad that im just not interested in guys? .. its not that im interested in girls – ive got nothing against that – I just don't swing that way… much HA … yeah ..I don't know if you guys actually read this but this is too much of a release for me that im probably not gonna stop but hey I know you guys can just scroll down if you cant be bothered … coz most of the time I do the same. But yeah if any of you guys actually do read these and like want me to babble about anything in particular let me know! Coz seriously I don't mind babbling on this as long as I know people have a choice whether to read it or not, and as they say in theatre .. ON WITH THE SHOW! …. Aren't you glad that's over? Lets never wait that long again.

**OK so really quick summary – bella went a bit overboard with the self harm, Edward found out and left for hunting. Then bella only had to go into school for 11 for notes etc, stops at the diner for some coffee and her truck breaks down a little way down the road, crappy weather and dun dun dun! JACOBS BACK! And just quick FYI there will be NO Bella and Jake just no … and also this is not long … it really really isn't but I swear im uploading this weekend without a doubt.**

**Scars**

Not even caring about the weather anymore, i yanked the trucks door open and ran around the truck just to meet jake as he pushed his way out of his, and he caught me in one of his famous bear hugs. I was laughing through my tears at seeing him again in so long, and i heard his laughter over the rain and him singing 'bella belly bells!' over and over again. It barely registered that this was why alice hadn't sent anyone to help me – it was simply because that when my future got mixed with his or any other werewolf – my future disappeared with theirs. Wasn't much of a comforting thought but atleast there was no blame for alice, and hopefully i could spend some time with jake without being interrupted by a grumpy ' its for your own good!' vampire.

But getting to see jake was just what i needed after the last few days had treated me. He was my sun and i finally had some lightness in my day because of him. That and he was so freaking warm it was easy to forget how cold forks really was – except for the windyness.

He seemed to be back to his old self so maybe the saying time makes the heart grow fonder was really true, but I could only ever think of Jake as my best friend, even after all of the crap about ignoring my calls and grassing on me about the bike. I just couldn't find it in me to care I was so happy to see him again. Especially because he might just be able to fix that truck….

"Bella! Oh my god I've missed you, I'm so sorry for not answering your calls I was just angry we're still best friends aren't we Bells?" He spoke so quickly I barely caught what he said, especially over all of the wind.

"Jake! Ive missed you too, and don't worry about it ofcoarse we're still best friends!" he squeezed me even tighter after hearing this. Soon becoming slightly uncomfortable with not being able to breath properly I pulled away and noticed the sadness in his eyes from that action, I really didn't want to think about that.

"So what are you doing out here Bells? Isnt your bloodsucker around anymore?" Well that hurt. I guess Jake was back to his old self.

"Not at the moment no, he's gone hunting for a little while" I said stiffly, I didn't want to discuss this with him or stay any longer than I really had to. "My truck gave up on me – do you think you could take a look at it for me? I need to get to school for some notes to study."

Jake continued to stare hard at me for a few more moments, but under his dark stare it felt much longer, but soon the light returned and his eyes turned softer, not by much though. But he grinned his old smile and trotted over to the propped up bonnet and stuck his head under to take a look at the engine. I slowly walked over to him, still feeling slightly uncomfortable and heard jake make unintelligible noises.

"Can you see what's wrong?" I asked as a stood a little to the side of him. I heard him grunt and then reply.

"I honestly can't see anything wrong with it, it just stopped?" I nodded " I'm not sure bells, I can take it back to the reservation and have Quil look at it with me, we should be able to get it running again in no time"

I let out a sigh of relief at that – I knew if it was totally dead Edward would insist on buying me a new car … an expensive one. But then I realised now I had no way to get to school and jake seemed to follow my train of thought and he grinned suddenly and jogged back to his rabbit, there was something strapped to the top of it with a plastic covering. Jake dramatically swept it off and his motorbike was sitting on top.

Ok I know its short as hell, but (gonna babble again) I found the story on my computer, read through it and thought meh I wanna get the meeting with Jacob out of the way otherwise im gonna get mixed up and crap. So yes its stupidly short but have no fear I will be posting this Saturday – latest Sunday coz I'm gonna make it mucho longer … pinky swear guys 3


	13. Chapter 10

I just stared in disbelief standing in the rain at the motorbike. It obviously wasn't mine since Jake had taken it to Charlie who had promptly taken it somewhere else, never to be seen again. *sigh*

Just seeing a motorbike brought back so many memories, the rush of adrenaline, the wind whipping about my face, more than anything I wanted to get on that bike – screw the consequences. It was about one of the only rebellious things I had ever done.

Jake still stood grinning like a loon, but I soon found my grin copying his, this would just about make up for him ratting me out. I didn't need to say anything else once he saw my grin; he quickly got the bike down and rolled it towards me.

"It still runs like a charm, half full so it'll easily get you to school and then you can just come back to the reservation and I'll drop you off home since the bloodsu'… sorry _Edward _is away …err _hunting"_

I just grinned at him "Thank you for trying Jake but I'll let you off this time, the bike is so much worth it."

"Well okay then – you still remember how to ride?"

I just lifted my eyebrow at him, no words were spoken as I got on the bike and kick started it, okay so it took me a few tries to get it started so it wasn't a brilliant exit but the rush that came was so worth it.

Following my previous route I made my way quickly to the school thanks to the speed of the bike and arrived and actually managed to skid park it like I used to. I swiftly grabbed the homework and notes from the office and quickly trudged my way back to the bike still sitting there like a beauty.

Well and there was Alice as well.

We seemed to have a silent conversation of ourselves then. Alice knew I wasn't going to listen to all of Edwards rules to 'protect' me and she seemed to know I would fight her tooth and nail if she tried to make me come with her. She merely handed me my phone that I had left at home and told me that Edward would be back this evening about seven, but she would call if his decision changed. She had also left a note for Charlie letting him know I was going to hang around the school for a bit to do homework and then meet up with Jake.

This girl really was an angel.

After thanking her and a parting smile and a peck on the cheek from her we both went our separate ways. Alice waited until I was on the bike before she went off to wherever she was going. As I passed where I had broken down in the truck I noticed it was no longer there, so Jake had kept his promise. As I got closer to the reservation the roads got slightly smaller and bumpier so I made sure to take extra care in my adrenaline junkie ride. Watching the trees zoom by was quite disorientating, so I quickly stopped that, but not before I had seen a strange flash through the trees. Slightly unnerved I continued driving down the road, it wasn't until I had passed the treaty line did I feel safer, knowing that the werewolves were usually on watch around this area.

I knew that Victoria was still a threat but there hadn't been any incidents involving her recently so I was more concerned about more pressing matters. I didn't particularly know if my self-harm was going to get any better or for that case stop. I suppose there will always be a part of me that will think that I can deal with pain that way – it kind of worked while Edward and the rest of the Cullen's were away, but then again my more rational part of my brain told me that I didn't want to have to rely on that the rest of my life. It was getting quite tiring always having to avoid showing my arms. Not that that was particularly a big sacrifice here in forks, wettest place on earth.

I soon arrived at that red house I had considered my home away from home just a few weeks ago and felt a small tug on my heart. I really had missed how much of a good friend Jake was, sure he wasn't big on me hanging out with the Cullen's but I couldn't really blame him – it was in his werewolf nature not to trust vampires, so I would just have to grin and bear it I suppose If I wanted jakes friendship. Which I really did.

The next few hours consisted of me and Jake hanging out like nothing had happened at all, and I felt myself truly smiling for those hours and laughing like there was nothing wrong in the world. And in this little garage of jakes, drinking warm soda cans, there really weren't any problems.

Soon 5 o'clock rolled around and we both agreed it was time to head back to mine, so after a quick chat with Billy me and Jake hopped into his rabbit (ha ha) and headed back over to mine. Edward wouldn't be back for another two hours – ish and I wanted to eat first and get a shower, not that it would help much with Edwards strong nose – he would still be able to smell Jake. But I wanted to believe that that would be one less thing to worry about. Jake had told me some technical stuff about what was wrong with my truck – not that I necessarily understood – but I nodded and mmhmmed during the right times and offered to pay for any parts he needed to get. He refused of course.

We arrived back at my house for about six, and after quickly saying goodbye to Jake I ran inside, quickly talked to Charlie for a little while, him letting me know that Alice had dropped by and delivered some meals from Esme. I really was thankful – I was in no mood for cooking. After I had fed myself and Charlie I ran upstairs and into my room, noticing that there were shopping bags all over the bed. Of course alive would not miss a chance to go shopping a buy me something – but at this point I was fairly grateful, I was wanting a new pair of pyjamas, these were a little different from what I expected her usual choice would be, but I was thankful never the less.

I went into the bathroom and switched the shower to heat up, placed the new pyjamas on the radiator along with the towels and prepared myself for something I wasn't sure I even wanted or should do.

I slowly took off my hoodie and stared at my bandaged arms, I wasn't stupid, I knew it was going to be pretty bad this time, but they needed a good clean and I was fed up of sorting out wet bandages.

As I unwrapped the bandages I noticed there was also my trusty plastic backed pads on the cuts, so it wouldn't be too terrible to get off. They were placed in fairly random places, two covered my inner wrist and another covered my outer for arm. After slowly peeling them away I allowed myself to look at the damage I had done this time. Being honest with myself, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but I suppose that they had already healed somewhat since the actual event. Shrugging to myself I got into the shower and washed up and carefully let the hot water pour over the cuts. A few parts began bleeding again but once out of the shower they began to scab over again.

After reapplying some plastic back bandages and another long bandage to keep it in place I quickly dried myself and got into my lovely warm pyjamas, which were very dark blue – almost black and extremely comfortable. I did all of the other night-time necessities and prepared to go back into the bedroom, I had received a text from Alice letting me know that Edward was going to come through my window at exactly 7:03 … it was now 7:04.

** Okay so its been over 2 months since my last update, I am so incredibly sorry but I hope this partly makes up for it.

I want to thank everyone again who has favourite, story alerted etc this story, I wasn't expecting so many people to read this and I am writing part of the next chapter tonight so it will hopefully be ready for next weekend – however I am going away next weekend, so if I can't get internet connection, ill post it on Sunday – otherwise this time next week.

Hope everyone is doing ok in the new year,

Peace out everyone =]


	14. Chapter 11  Yellow Canaries

I suck I know =[ … hopefully this makes up for it…..

* * *

_**7:04**_

I had a slight moment of panic, remembering that Edward would still smell Jake on me even after my shower – and I really did not want that added onto what I knew would already be an extremely awkward and upsetting conversation.

Slowly gathering my confidence I threw my clothes from before into the washing basket for tomorrow and slowly pushed the bathroom door open.

My bedroom door was slightly ajar and the light was on – Edwards little way of letting me know he was there I guess. I shuffled across the landing wanting to avoid this for as long as possible but too soon found myself standing just outside the bedroom door. Keeping my eyes on the ground I walked into the room and across to my desk then sat down – avoiding looking at the bed, where I knew Edward was, at all costs.

I fiddled around with Alice's new purchases for me … mainly hair care products … how …. Thoughtful? … After finding a nice smelling one I sprayed a bit on my hair then quickly set about drying my hair with my obnoxiously loud hair dryer. I was never so thankful for its noise in such an awkward silence.

There was always a nagging feeling in the back of my head that Edward would leave me again, especially after he found out my little secret that feeling had been growing pretty much without my notice until right now. I remember when we had first met he had told me that he cared about me more, because if leaving was what's best for me he would. But now I hope that seeing how I reacted to him leaving before, maybe that would help convince him to stay.

Soon my hair was dry and I was left with nothing else but to put away the hairdryer and sit in silence again.

The small alarm clock next to me ticked towards 7:22.

7:23 …

7:24 …

"Aren't you going to say anything then"?

He looked up and met my eyes in my small mirror in front of me.

His eyes seemed to soften when they met mine in the mirror, soft gold mixed with topaz after his hunt. He cleared his throat in such an oddly human manner, and with a soft yet slightly croaky voice said "I was about to ask you the same thing"

We shared a small slightly awkward smile with each other, realising that we hadn't really sat down and talked about things without one of us either getting angry or eventually passing out.

I watched as his nostrils slightly flared as he caught the smell of my blood, and looked over at me questioningly- only a hint of anger in his eyes.

"I changed the bandages …the other ones tugged on them too much"

He nodded only slightly, and I picked up my hairbrush and started brushing through the curly tangles of my hair, just to give myself something else to do. I continued to watch Edward watch me in the mirror. His eyes seemed to follow my hairbrush, and he seemed to wince slightly as the brush caught on a particularly nasty tangle.

"I hate seeing you in pain Bella" he murmured.

At seeing my slightly baffled expression he tried to smile his crooked smile, "_Any_ kind of pain Bella"…

I didn't really know what to say to him, so I continued brushing through my hair until it was completely tangle free. At realising I really had nothing else to do I sat quietly and watched to the clock in my peripheral.

7:33…

7:34 … the television switched off downstairs. I looked confusedly over at Edward, why was Charlie going to bed so early?

"He hasn't slept much – especially during the storm – he was worried about you."

Slightly appeased I went back to staring more openly at the alarm clock.

7:35 … quiet clicking of the lights being switched off.

7:36… Charlie's loud creaking footsteps coming up the stairs.

I looked over to Edward and noticed he hadn't moved – so I took that as meaning Charlie wasn't planning on coming in to check on me tonight.

7:41 … Charlie loudly huffed as the house telephone begun to ring. He cursed loudly as he bumped into something in the dark.

"Everyone is away hunting this weekend…"

I quickly turned my head to look at him – to see he had a small, careful smile on his face.

"Alice is calling to see if you would like to come and stay for a sleepover with her … well I mean me …" I smiled slightly at hearing him nervously stumble over his words, he was acting strangely human tonight. I slowly got up and walked towards Edward, he watched me with a small smile and opened his arms to me and I carefully settled myself in his lap, tucking my head under his chin.

"Alice is convincing him now, she's telling him that you two had been given a project to work on over the weekend and you had both agreed but that you must have forgotten to mention it."

"Should I go and pack a bag?" – He shook his head slightly at that.

"Alice made me promise her …. She's got you a few items she wants you to have"

"Shopping therapy…" He snickered slightly at that.

We both heard Charlie starting up the stairs, and Edward settled me gently on the bed and walked silently towards my wardrobe to hide in it. I quickly grabbed Wuthering heights from my bedside table draw and pretended to be reading.

Charlie slowly creaked the door open and popped his head inside.

"That was Alice Bells – said you two had a project this weekend?"

"Oh shoot Dad I totally forgot – what did she say?"

"Says she's heading over now, wants you to stay the weekend, you ok with that Bells?"

"Yeah Dad that sounds fine, I'd better get ready then …"

"Sure thing kiddo, I'm gonna go hit the hay, your old man needs his sleep – say 'hi' to Alice for me though Bells"

"Sure thing, and dad you'll never be old" I grinned at him, and he grinned tiredly back at me.

"Night kid – give me a ring if there's _any_ trouble" he raised his eyebrow at that – and I knew what he meant.

"Okay dad"

He waved slightly and headed towards his bedroom, once his door had clicked in place Edward was out of his hiding place and back to sitting with me.

"He won't be asleep for a while, so we'll have to wait for Alice…"

I mumbled a reply.

"So Charlie still isn't my biggest fan..."

I looked over at him sharply, biting my tongue against my first reply.

"He'll come around eventually..."

Edward grinned darkly at me then, "Let's hope he doesn't take too long then…"

"And why is that?" – but Edward only shook his head slightly as we heard Alice pull up outside, Edward swiftly kissed me on the forehead and disappeared out the window – and I made sure I stepped on all the creaky floor boards while making my way to the front door – so Charlie would know I was leaving.

After grabbing my hoodie, mobile phone and ugg's (I still wasn't totally sold on them yet – but they were warm) I locked the dead bolt and turned to face Alice and Edward.

"SURPRISE"!

Bright yellow seemed to shine – even in the dark evening here in forks. So many memories came flashing back- racing through volterra to save Edward in a bright canary yellow porche.

"Is that…?" My voice quivered.

"Unfortunately no, Carlisle made sure I returned it to the owner ... however Edward wanted to give me an early Christmas present!"

"Did he now?"

"Well he hadn't decided yet, but he didn't need to know that …" she whispered conspicuously.

I watched as Edward shook his head with a baffled smile on his face at his sister.

"Well I'm going to go meet up with the family up north …. Have a nice weekend you two" she grinned at me then unexpectedly.

"What have you seen?"

She blinked at me innocently, almost reminding me of an owl. She grinned again, tapped her nose and disappeared with a ghostly chuckle.

Shaking my head slightly at her antics, I stepped inside the car, and was immediately assaulted with the memory of the stress I went through in such a similar car that my breath caught. Edward heard and looked over at me concerned but I just shook my head slightly at him. Not wanting any more awkward silences, I fiddled with the radio and not finding any good songs on, rifled through the numerous CD's hidden in the door of the car until I came across some of Edwards songs. Feeling slightly nostalgic I put that in the player, and listened contently as Esme's favourite began to softly play, and I saw Edward smile out of the corner of my eye.

Thanks to Edwards reckless driving we arrived at his house in under ten minutes and before I could even undo my seatbelt he was at my door, and he then swiftly lifted me up into his arms, with me yelping just slightly.

He grinned and continued to walk towards the front door, and with some manoeuvring, finally got the front door open.

"Welcome home" He murmured in my ear.

"That sounds nice…"

* * *

Okay guys it has been … too long for me to even want to look at since I updated this last.

There's just been so much crap going on – but I know that is no excuse.

But at the moment I have my exams until the end of June – but then I'm totally free to write – but also bearing in mind there's other crap I need to sort out =/

I would reaaally really appreciate it if you guys could give me a few suggestions for the next chapter – a big thing for me not updating sooner was some serious writers block…

Peace out dudes and I hope all is well with everyone =]


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